LI Marriage Counseling Center, Huntington, NY
“Long Island Marriage Counseling – Changing Old Patterns
Long Island Marriage Counseling – Marriage Counseling usually is for couples. Occasionally though, the story changes. Last week in my office in Huntington, NY, a couple came in to say that their marriage was on the rocks and divorce was imminent. The wife was the one who wanted the divorce because for more than thirty years, the husband acted critical and negative more than 90% of the time. He even yelled at the TV when he did not like what was on.
Imagine my surprise when the husband agreed with the problem as stated by his wife, and said: “I am 100% responsible. I need to change.” This situation is very rare, as you can imagine.
I asked the husband to come to the marriage counseling sessions by himself for awhile and he agreed.
When I started to see him, I pointed out that we develop our behavior patterns by modeling those around us. He must have had a very critical parent to have such a strong critical pattern. He identified the parent as his father. He said he was willing to change his critical patterns but did not think he could. As I listened to him, I also noticed that his breathing was very shallow. It was as if he was holding his breath until something negative happened and then he would explode. He had developed many stress related illnesses, probably related to his level of stress and lack of control over his fight or flight response.
We worked together to change his reactions to negative events. He agreed that he could not control those events though he would like to. He did remember getting punished for anything bad that happened by his father when he was young, whether he caused it or not. In any case, he was ready to change. I taught him to:
1. Recognize in his body when a negative event was happening.
2. Detach from the event as if stepping out of the picture.
3. Tell himself that “It is what it is. Anything that already happened is out of my control or influence. The best thing I can do is focus on how I want it different in the future and work on any part that is in my control or influence.”
He began that pattern and in the next session told me that things were much better with his wife, and his friends were ribbing him about his changes.
With that success behind us (and his agreement to practice the new pattern over and over), we started working on his health. I taught him to feel the sensations in his body and to regulate his breathing to very slow coherent breathing, as taught by Richard Brown, M.D. of Columbia University. His blood pressure began to come down and he reported improvement in some of his other symptoms.
At our last marriage counseling session, he agreed to make a date with his wife for a couples massage! Unbelievable just one month earlier!
I think it was his fear of his illnesses that prompted him to change. Sometimes marriage counseling is a one person job, when that one person agrees that they are the one having to change. It is a very satisfying case because of the increased satisfaction by each party in the marriage.
Long Island Marriage Counseling Center – If you have similar circumstances, please send me an email using the form to the right or call me. I would love to discuss.
Warmly, Diane
Dr. Diane Kramer, Long Island Marrriage Counselor and Psychologist
Marriage Counseling Center at Huntington, NY
75 Prospect St., Suite 103
Huntington, NY 11743
631-630-0570
by admin on June 17, 2010
LI Marriage Counseling Center, Huntington, NY
“Long Island Marriage Counseling – How Fear Can Effect the Marriage
Long Island Marriage Counseling – Everyone knows that the best way to have a great marriage is to speak up about one’s thoughts and feelings, wishes and desires, right? Well, many people agree but few actually do communicate that openly. Why? FEAR
Fear is the label for an emotional experience that occurs when we think about the future and dread what might happen and how we will feel as a result.
Example: At the Long Island Marriage Counseling Center, a woman came in distraught. Her husband was lying to her, abusing her with words and ignoring her at times. She felt anxious, hopeless, helpless and worthless.
I helped her to find her center and feel good about herself. She got to that point with a lot of help. Then we focused on her husband. She figured out how to stand up to him and say no. That changed some of the patterns in the relationship. And she learned how to speak to him without getting all emotional Instead, she just told him what she expected. She stopped doing whatever he wanted, and told him how disappointed she was when he did not do what she needed. He got the message and evolved over a few months. The marriage stayed together.
Amazingly, it is not that difficult to create change in yourself that can effect the other. The first step though is to recognize that you can change your own patterns.
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Long Island Marriage Counseling Center – If you have similar circumstances, please send me an email using the form to the right or call me. I would love to discuss.
Warmly, Diane
Dr. Diane Kramer, Marrriage Counselor and Psychologist
Long Island Marriage Counseling Center at Huntington, NY
75 Prospect St., Suite 103
Huntington, NY 11743
631-630-0570
LI Marriage Counseling Center, Huntington, NY
“Long Island Marriage Counseling – Where are your feelings coming from?
Long Island Marriage Counseling – Other people, including our spouses, do not cause our feelings. That is right – hard to believe but other people do not make us angry, anxious, frustrated, ashamed, worthless or guilty. What does cause our feelings? Our mind causes our feelings. Our unconscious mind interprets events external to us and then triggers off feelings in our body based on those interpretations of events. If you believe that your spouse is making you feel bad, it is not true. You are making you feel by the way you are interpreting your marriage partner’s behavior and words.
How do we know this to be true? If you were able to feel good about yourself no matter what, as highly evolved people are, no matter what your spouse did you would feel good. You might not like what he did and might negotiate a change, or you might leave, but you would not feel bad.
I am not saying that your spouse’s behavior should be simply accepted under all circumstances. No, you need to notice his or her behavior and then decide how you want to respond. It means you need to think based on your values: What is important to you? What do you want to live with? What is your bottomline in terms of what you will accept and not accept?
In other words, rather than evaluating yourself emotionally and feeling bad, you need to focus on evaluating the other based on your values, deliver messages to your spouse and then wait for the result. You will need to decide what to do if your marriage partner does not change around an important issue to you.
Example: At the Long Island Marriage Counseling Center, a woman came in distraught. Her husband was lying to her, abusing her with words and ignoring her at times. She felt anxious, hopeless, helpless and worthless.
I helped her to find her center and feel good about herself. She got to that point with a lot of help. Then we focused on her husband. She figured out how to stand up to him and say no. That changed some of the patterns in the relationship. And she learned how to speak to him without getting all emotional Instead, she just told him what she expected. She stopped doing whatever he wanted, and told him how disappointed she was when he did not do what she needed. He got the message and evolved over a few months. The marriage stayed together.
Amazingly, it is not that difficult to create change in yourself that can effect the other. The first step though is to recognize that you can change your own patterns.
.
Long Island Marriage Counseling Center – If you have similar circumstances, please send me an email using the form to the right or call me. I would love to discuss.
Warmly, Diane
Dr. Diane Kramer, Marrriage Counselor and Psychologist
Long Island Marriage Counseling Center at Huntington, NY
75 Prospect St., Suite 103
Huntington, NY 11743
631-630-0570
LI Marriage Counseling Center, Huntington, NY
“Long Island Marriage Counseling – What is Polarization?
Long Island Marriage Counseling – Last week a couple came into the Long Island Marriage Counseling Center who were polarizing each other. This phenomenon happens often.
What is marriage polarization?
The best way to describe it is by thinking of “the more-the more”. An example is: the more he drinks, the more she nags. The more she nags, the more he drinks. Another is: The more she demands, the more he resists. The more he resists, the more she demands.
In marital polarization, each side is pushing the other to extremes. As one person’s need is activated, the other perceives that need as a threat to themself. They push back and the polarization begins. Here is a more detailed explanation from the couple who came into my office last week.
The wife expects the husband to be available as a playmate, father and provider. She demands that he go shopping with her, take care of the baby with her and provide all the money. As he hears her demands for his time and his money, he polarizes and thinks to himself – no, let her make more money and let her go shopping by herself. He tells her no and that causes her to put even more pressure on him. He gets more and more resistant and acts mean. She finally has a meltdown and he gives in and gives her what she wants. That makes him angrier and more resistant to her needs
And so they go around and around. Is there a way out of this polarization? What are the steps that will cause them to seize and desist?
1. They need to both realize that what they each are doing will not get them what they need. Rather doing the exact opposite of what they now are doing will be more likely to get each of them more of what they want.
2. It is not easy to reverse direction as descibed above. Each of them must know the triggers that pull them back into the polarization. Each of them must be able to detach from those triggers and not be pulled in to the polarization.
3. Once they are aware and can detach from the polarization, they then need to learn to do the exact opposite in order to get more of what they want. This takes practice and is often accomplished with the help of a therapist or coach. The wife needs to ask nicely for what she wants without any demands or expectations. She needs to empathize with how busy her husband is before she asks. He needs to tell her how important her needs are to him and then suggest that he will be able to meet one need but not all – or something like that, depending on circumstances.
Long Island Marriage Counseling Center – If you have similar circumstances, please send me an email using the form to the right or call me. I would love to discuss.
Warmly, Diane
Dr. Diane Kramer, Marrriage Counselor and Psychologist
Long Island Marriage Counseling Center at Huntington, NY
75 Prospect St., Suite 103
Huntington, NY 11743
631-630-0570
LI Marriage Counseling Center, Huntington, NY
“Long Island Marriage Counseling – When Marriage Perceptions are Diametrically Opposite
Long Island Marriage Counseling – Recently a couple came into the Long Island Marriage Counseling Center whose perceptions were diametrically opposed. They wanted to stay together for the sake of the child and learn to live with each other. They wanted to repair their relationship but only up to a point.
A few months before seeing me, their marriage went into crisis. He did something that caused her to go to a divorce lawyer and to get a petition of protection against her. He moved into the basement and moved the money into his account. They were in a state of war.
Before making divorce final, they came to marriage counseling for help. I believe I never saw two people so opposite in their perceptions. She saw him as lazy and indulgent, and not a responsible parent. He saw her as obsessive, focused on outward appearances and too responsible a parent. They hated each others’ mothers.
According to her, his mother was at the root of all their problems as his mother told him how to act. According to him, her mothers was at the root of all their marriage problems as his wife modeled all her patterns off of her mother’s poor values.
What to do? I saw them separately and they each held to their position that the other was wrong. I got each of them to say what three changes they wanted from the other. They actually each were able to change a bit for the other. While you might think that solved the marriage problem, it did not. They changed their behaviors but not their feelings and attitudes. Still there was an air of ‘I am right. You are wrong. I do not like you very much.’
While each of them was no longer paying as much attention to their mothers, and they were pleasing each other a bit more, nothing fundamental had changed. I asked them if they wanted to stay married even if they did not like each other or feel good about each other,
I am now waiting for their answers. If they want to explore their reluctance to change in order to like the other person, we will explore. If not, we will keep on working on the changes they want. It is a good idea to let the clients set the agenda!
Long Island Marriage Counseling Center – If you have similar circumstances, please send me an email using the form to the right or call me. I would love to discuss.
Warmly, Diane
Dr. Diane Kramer, Marrriage Counselor and Psychologist
Long Island Marriage Counseling Center at Huntington, NY
75 Prospect St., Suite 103
Huntington, NY 11743
631-630-0570
LI Marriage Counseling Center, Huntington, NY
“Long Island Marriage Counseling – Parenting as Part of the Marriage Problem
Long Island Marriage Counseling – One of the key issues couples bring to the Marriage Counseling Center is the children. Often there is a divide about how to parent. Usually one of the couple is in favor of more limits and discipline. The other is in favor of more leniency and love.
Each parent in the marriage believes deeply that they are right. Each thinks that the other’s methods will hurt the child. Often there is a wall up a mile thick between them. And often this issue represents the parents’ inability to work out differences in the marriage. What to do?
I get rapport with each of the parents and then use authority to resolve the issue. I bring up a classic set of studies in the field of Psychology. Dr. Diana Baumrind in her research with colleagues tested thousands of parents and their young children. She followed them for years until the children grew up. She discovered that the children whose parents both set firm limits and gave lots of love were on the average far more successful as adults than the parents who were too strict or too lenient in the marriage.
These findings are available for anyone to look at, yet most people do not know of them. They are pretty impressive. My marriage counseling clients listened carefully and took the results seriously.
After all, they both loved their children and wanted to do the best for them. For the first time, these two parents began to work together for the benefit of their children. The marriage entered a new phase of cooperation.
Long Island Marriage Counseling Center – If you have similar circumstances, please send me an email using the form to the right or call me. I would love to discuss.
Warmly, Diane
Dr. Diane Kramer, Marrriage Counselor and Psychologist
Long Island Marriage Counseling Center at Huntington, NY
75 Prospect St., Suite 103
Huntington, NY 11743
631-630-0570
LI Marriage Counseling Center, Huntington, NY
“Long Island Marriage Counseling – Importance of Maintaining Continual Self-Value, No Matter What
Long Island Marriage Counseling – Many people come to marriage counseling in pain, complaining about how bad they feel because of their spouse’s behavior. They have not yet learned to take responsibility for their own feelings and to set their own internal emotional state to one that they want.
Once they learn to take 100% responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings and actions, they no longer come in in such pain. They have learned to maintain continual self-value, no matter what. How do they do this?
Belief in Own Value –
Spiritual Story –
Review of Strengths – . One of our clients at the Long Island Marriage Counseling Center
Review of Accomplishments – Sometimes at the Long Island Center, an chances there!
Long Island Marriage Counseling Center – If you have similar circumstances, please send me an email using the form to the right or call me. I would love to discuss.
Warmly, Diane
Dr. Diane Kramer, Marrriage Counselor and Psychologist
Long Island Marriage Counseling Center at Huntington, NY
75 Prospect St., Suite 103
Huntington, NY 11743
631-630-0570
LI Marriage Counseling Center, Huntington, NY
“Long Island Marriage Counseling – Marriage and Ego Needs
Long Island Marriage Counseling – At the root of many couples’ problems are ego needs, specifically the need to feel good about Self. There are many ways to feel good about Self, some of them healthy that end up benefitting the marriage, and some of them that are potentially destructive to the marriage.
In this blog column, we will take a look at the destructive patterns – ways of making oneself feel good that are not healthy for the marriage. Our next blog will cover constructive patterns.
Comparisons – Many people feel good about themselves by comparing Self to other and feeling superior. Because this method depends on perceiving onesself as better than another, it can backfire. What if you suddenly notice someone better than you? In marriages we have helped at the Long Island Marriage Counseling Center, Comparison is a common theme. One client, for example, felt inferior to his wife’s first husband, and was constantly putting him down as a way to feel superior. The wife felt as if two men were always in the room, her current husband and her former husband.
Having to Achieve – Those individuals who have to achieve bigtime in order to feel good about themselves often end up sacrificing their marriage by burying themselves in their work. One of our clients at the Long Island Marriage Counseling Center used to push himself to make 20k per month in order to feel adequate. Meanwhile he was so busy that his wife was off having an affair.
Needing External Feedback – Sometimes at the Long Island Center, an individual shows up who needs a lot of stroking and external feedback to feel good. The individual I am thinking of was so hooked on that feedback that she was easily hooked into having an affair. She was a sitting duck for the guy who seduced her. Unfortunately, her husband found out and divorced her. No second chances there!
Long Island Marriage Counseling Center – If you have similar circumstances, please send me an email using the form to the right or call me. I would love to discuss.
Warmly, Diane
Dr. Diane Kramer, Marrriage Counselor and Psychologist
Long Island Marriage Counseling Center at Huntington, NY
75 Prospect St., Suite 103
Huntington, NY 11743
631-630-0570
LI Marriage Counseling Center, Huntington, NY
“Long Island Marriage Counseling – Marriage and Ego Needs
Long Island Marriage Counseling – At the root of many couples’ problems are ego needs, specifically the need to feel good about Self. There are many ways to feel good about Self, some of them healthy that end up benefitting the marriage, and some of them that are potentially destructive to the marriage.
In this blog column, we will take a look at the destructive patterns – ways of making oneself feel good that are not healthy for the marriage. Our next blog will cover constructive patterns.
Comparisons – Many people feel good about themselves by comparing Self to other and feeling superior. Because this method depends on perceiving onesself as better than another, it can backfire. What if you suddenly notice someone better than you? In marriages we have helped at the Long Island Marriage Counseling Center, Comparison is a common theme. One client, for example, felt inferior to his wife’s first husband, and was constantly putting him down as a way to feel superior. The wife felt as if two men were always in the room, her current husband and her former husband.
Having to Achieve – Those individuals who have to achieve bigtime in order to feel good about themselves often end up sacrificing their marriage by burying themselves in their work. One of our clients at the Long Island Marriage Counseling Center used to push himself to make 20k per month in order to feel adequate. Meanwhile he was so busy that his wife was off having an affair.
Needing External Feedback – Sometimes at the Long Island Center, an individual shows up who needs a lot of stroking and external feedback to feel good. The individual I am thinking of was so hooked on that feedback that she was easily hooked into having an affair. She was a sitting duck for the guy who seduced her. Unfortunately, her husband found out and divorced her. No second chances there!
Long Island Marriage Counseling Center – If you have similar circumstances, please send me an email using the form to the right or call me. I would love to discuss.
Warmly, Diane
Dr. Diane Kramer, Marrriage Counselor and Psychologist
Long Island Marriage Counseling Center at Huntington, NY
75 Prospect St., Suite 103
Huntington, NY 11743
631-630-0570
