Long Island Marriage Counseling Blog – You Can’t Change Your Spouse

LI Marriage Counseling Center at Huntington, NY

From Dr. Kramer – Give me a call now at 631-553-1476 to make an appointment or email me at Marriage Counseling Long Island.

At the  Long Island Marriage Counseling Center, Huntington, NY, I often hear a client tell me that their spouse is bad with money or messy or inconsiderate and hurtful. The client wants the spouse to change.

My position on this is clear and simple. No one can make another person change. The other person has to want to change. And unfortunately, what is important to one spouse is often at the bottom of the list for another.

Lets take money: (This is a case reported to me by a lawyer friend.) Mark loved to keep the accounts in order and to make sure there was enough. Phyllis loved to spend. She used the purchases to feel good (we call that retail therapy) because she had not developed her internal ways of making herself feel good. For her, shopping was the answer.

Mark overindulged her for years and ran into heavy debt. He wanted to please her and look like a great provider. His internal conflict between being a great money manager and looking like a great provider finally came to a head. He confronted Phyllis. She went to a divorce lawyer. Her deeper self was not ready to give up relying on externals in order to feel good.

The upshot of it all – They ended up in divorce court and bankruptcy with a foreclosed house. Could this marriage have been saved? Yes, if both individuals were led to take responsibility for their actions and to learn internal ways of feeling good about themselves.

If  you have a similar situation and wish to discuss, please email me to the right or give me a call. Would love to help.

From Dr. Kramer – Give me a call now at 631-553-1476 to make an appointment or email me at Marriage Counseling Long Island.

Warmly, Diane

Dr. Diane Kramer, Psychologist
Long Island Marriage Counseling Center at Huntington, NY
75 Prospect St., Suite 103
Huntington, NY 11743
631-553-1476