Long Island Marriage Counseling Blog_Where are Your Feelings Coming From?

by Dr. Diane Kramer on June 14, 2010

LI Marriage Counseling Center, Huntington, NY

“Long Island Marriage Counseling – Where are your feelings coming from?

Long Island Marriage Counseling – Other people, including our spouses, do not cause our feelings. That is right – hard to believe but other people do not make us angry, anxious, frustrated, ashamed, worthless or guilty. What does cause our feelings? Our mind causes our feelings. Our unconscious mind interprets events external to us and then triggers off feelings in our body based on those interpretations of events. If you believe that your spouse is making you feel bad, it is not true. You are making you feel by the way you are interpreting your marriage partner’s behavior and words.

How do we know this to be true? If you were able to feel good about yourself no matter what, as highly evolved people are, no matter what your spouse did you would feel good. You might not like what he did and might negotiate a change, or you might leave, but you would not feel bad.

I am not saying that your spouse’s behavior should be simply accepted under all circumstances. No, you need to notice his or her behavior and then decide how you want to respond. It means you need to think based on your values: What is important to you? What do you want to live with? What is your bottomline in terms of what you will accept and not accept?

In other words, rather than evaluating yourself emotionally and feeling bad, you need to focus on evaluating the other based on your values, deliver messages to your spouse and then wait for the result. You will need to decide what to do if your marriage partner does not change around an important issue to you.

Example: At the Long Island Marriage Counseling Center, a woman came in distraught. Her husband was lying to her, abusing her with words and ignoring her at times. She felt anxious, hopeless, helpless and worthless.

I helped her to find her center and feel good about herself. She got to that point with a lot of help. Then we focused on her husband. She figured out how to stand up to him and say no. That changed some of the patterns in the relationship. And she learned how to speak to him without getting all emotional Instead, she just told him what she expected. She stopped doing whatever he wanted, and told him how disappointed she was when he did not do what she needed. He got the message and evolved over a few months. The marriage stayed together.

Amazingly, it is not that difficult to create change in yourself that can effect the other. The first step though is to recognize that you can change your own patterns.

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Long Island Marriage Counseling Center – If you have similar circumstances, please send me an email using the form to the right or call me. I would love to discuss.

Warmly, Diane

Dr. Diane Kramer, Marrriage Counselor and Psychologist
Long Island Marriage Counseling Center at Huntington, NY
75 Prospect St., Suite 103
Huntington, NY 11743
631-630-0570

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